She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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