I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
