my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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