if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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