he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
