You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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