I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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