WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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