She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
