If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
