she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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