So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
