Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
