I puked a lego.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
