I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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