Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
