Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
