I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
