She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
