My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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