He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Randomize
