I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize