What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
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