there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
