I cannot find my penis.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
