She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
