Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Randomize
