I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
