If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
