My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
