haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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