There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
