he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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