made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
