What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
