my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
