Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Can you bring me the toilet please
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
false alarm, still single
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
