I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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