Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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