To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
