I CAN MOONWALK!
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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