Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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