shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
