Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
