My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
cat food counts as protein by the way
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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