you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
