So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
