I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
