it's too hot outside to masturbate.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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