the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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