So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
