Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
