I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
