The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
