I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
