He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize