Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
