I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We talked him into tasing himself.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
