Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
