The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
