i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
