That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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