He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
