I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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