my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
