between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
