i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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