what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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