i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Pants are for mortals
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
