thus making me awesome and them whores
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
