remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
